Attack Of The Masked Potatoes
by Zombie Kitty
Summary: Lister left a snack behind before he went into stasis, is he and the others now going to become the snack? COMPLETED
1. Beginnings

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Red Drawf never had never will.

Right well me and Sian were talking and this little story idea popped into my head due to a spelling error (masked instead of mashed) so enjoy, the second part will be up later tonight

* * *

**Curse Of The Masked Potatoes**

Beginnings:

Lister sighed and stretched out on his bunk reading a magazine about women and their confessions, he finished reading the article about the woman from Cardiff who "accidently" slept with her husband's twin brother, got pregnant said it was her husband's but then ran off with the black milk man when it turned out the kid was his.

Lister sighed at the cliché and threw the magazine onto the bunk as he jumped onto the floor, he absently wondered how Rimmer was doing in the exam but only for a moment as he heard the door to his quarters open, and two men with Anti Contamination suits entered.

"You've come for Frankie?" Lister asked dejectedly as he reached down and opened her cage door.

"We're sorry Dave, she'll be ok, we'll put her in the Hold and seal it, she and her kittens will be fine till we get back to Earth." One of the men said as he lifted Frankenstien out of Lister's arms and into a special kind of container.

"Cheers Chen, any chance of some grub before I go into this stasis thing? All my credits have run out and I'd kill for a curry." Lister replied trying not to look like he was bothered by Frankie been taken from him and how he was going to emerge in 18 months with no home, no job and a ton of little kittens to feed.

"I'll see what we can dig from Peterson in the kitchens after you've been decontaminated." The second guy said as Lister pulled his hawaiian shirt over his head.

"Right Selby – only if Peterson didn't cook it though! The three men laughed weakly and left the room.

As they walked down the corridor Kochanski passed and smiled her gorgeous flirtatious smile, he wondered if they still had a chance, if they could start again… well he'd find out in 18 months.he sighed again his dream of Figi entering his mind again... As he was led into the medi bay Lister's mind wandered to what Rimmer had said earlier in the day.

"Leaping mutton" he scoffed delicately under his breath,

"How stupid - everyone knows sheep and dolphins can't be crossed – think of the mating difficulties!" He shuck his head and closed his eyes, humming some Rasta Billy Skank under his breath during most of the examination.

As he stood up to leave, Selby – now in normal uniform, accompanied by Todhunter entered the room. Lister saluted half heartedly and looked at the plate of food that Selby was holding.

"Come on man – mashed potatoes and Chinese pork? You've got to be yanking my chain… whats that green stuff?" He asked pushing s mound of green leaves around with his fork as Todhunter led him down the corridor.

"Its Cabbage – soz Dave, its all we could get!" Selby yelled back as he turned to go back to his duties.

"Hang on mate" Lister said as he stopped at a waste disposal unit and scraped the offending green leaves into the bin, he began to eat the pork and even the potatoes raveniously, as they continued down the corridor.

"Your last meal, huh Lister?" Todhunter said trying to make conversation as they neared the top of corridor 159. Lister just shrugged in response and chucked the plate and the rest of the potato down another chute, which by mistake was not a waste disposal but a laundry chute. The plate landed soundlessly in the pile of clothes and the mashed potato remains splatted and land into someones old sleeping mask...

Lister turned back to Todhunter and slowed his pace a little as the stasis booths came into view.

"Come on Dave no-one wants to go through with this…"


	2. Killer King Edwards

**Disclaimer: **Don't own the large Rouge one, etc...

Right, well due to the fact my mad imagination is on a roll, here is the second and last part, hope you like it (its set in series 2 btw just after Future Echos)So enjoy:

**Attack Of The Masked Potatoes**

Killer King Edwards

The large blob did what only could be described as laughing as its entire body to sneeze, shaking the many layers and ripples even more, the blob cursed that it was allergic to pepper and squelched off angrily to see what was on the outside world.

Lister stared at the photograph of himself from the future with Jim and Bexley as he dumped the camera on the table and sat on Rimmer's bunk.

"I wonder how I'll get two babies." He said for the millionth time in the last 5 minutes, he looked up as Rimmer entered, now sporting a rather hilarious afro on his head.

"Rimmer, have you seen what Holly's done to your hair?" Lister asked taking deep breathes of air as he giggled uncontrollably.

"Yes I'm sure it looks highly amus…" Rimmer stopped dead as he saw himself in the mirror, his reaction causing Lister to laugh even more as anger erupted from Rimmer's every pore.

"HOLLY!" He screamed as Cat entered and began to giggle too, sitting down next to Lister getting ready to enjoy the evening's entertainment.

"What do you want now Arnold? I'm busy? You got some really difficult maths sums or have you got a rather nasty rash and need taking to the doctor?" Holly's voice oozed sarcasm in his own dead pan way.

"Will you look here you jumped up filofax, I want my own hair back, and not just that I don't want anyone else's body bits – Ok? I want my own hair, arms, legs, hips – nipples!" Rimmer recited as Holly rolled his eyes.

"Yes Arnold."

Rimmer looked in the mirror again to find he looked normal he was about to open his mouth to speak but found he couldn't speak a word, he opened his mouth to see that his tongue had been removed! He began to jump up and down making rude and explicit hand gestures at Holly as Cat and Lister looked on, bemused.

"What's wrong with him now?"

"Holly's made him mute – like Markham – the toilet cleaner!" Lister gasped at this hysterically funny scene, the baby question pushed far from his mind.

"Ok Holly, give him his tongue back." Lister said almost regretfully.

"…AND THAT S WHY YOU A COMPLETE AND TOTAL TOTAL SMEGGING GIT!" Rimmer paused when he had finished his mostly silent rant, his arms frozen in mid obscene gesture.

"Welcome back Rimmer." Lister replied sarcastically.

"Can I go back to what I was doing now it was really important." Holly interrupted just as Rimmer opened his mouth to release a more vocal torrent of abuse.

"Sure whatever Hol."

"Ok…" Holly disappeared from screen only to appear again 2 seconds later "Emergency, there's an emergency going on"

"That's what is important?" Rimmer ask incredulously as he thought even Holly could have mentioned what ever was an emergency a bit sooner.- he thought for a moment and shook his head this was HOLLY we were talking about, a guy who thought Newton's law was a rock band.

"Well excuse me but I was a bit busy dealing with travelling at the speed of light and dealing with you and your mid death crises thank you very much."

"Are we through the danger zone?" Lister asked.

"Yeah." Holly said, just a few seconds before a small rumble erupted round the ship knocking everyone to the ground. Everyone looked at the screen with raised eyebrows.

"oops didn't see that – I was looking out the wrong window."

"Any damage?" Lister asked, sighing as he stood up and sat back on the bottom bunk.

"Nah, not much, though the Jukebox in the Parrot Bar seems to be stuck on don't cry for me Argentina."

"Look what was the emergency?" Lister insisted feeling agitated.

"Yeah, this conversation is eating into valuable me time – and I'm barley even paying attention." Cat pointed out as he haughtily stood up and jumped onto the top bunk.

"Right well it appears there is a non human life form on corridor 158."

""That's the main laundry floor isn't it?" Lister checked. As Holly nodded his head a puzzled expression adorned Lister's features.

"You sure it isn't one of my socks?"

"Yes Dave."

"ALIENS!" Rimmer cried leaping up excitedly.

"Rimmer ALIENS wanna do our laundry?"

"Maybe it's their way of being friendly?" Rimmer suggested.

"Friendly? One whiff of monkey's clothes and they'll be declaring war!" Cat commented with feeling.

"Oi that's not fair… ok maybe it is but it's not gonna be aliens… Holly, you wanna open the munitions cabinet and we'll take a couple of bazookoids just in case."

"Sorry Dave, its manual and I've lost the key."

"You've lost the key? This is a state of the art electronic ship and you've lost the key to open the dun cupboard?" Lister asked shocked, shaking his head as he spoke.

"Well yeah."

"Great, what do we do now?" Rimmer wondered aloud, sitting down at the table.

"You two monkey's sort out the alien – I'll take a nap." Cat said, laying down on lister's bunk and closing his eyes.

"No smegging way man, we need all the help we can get, if there really is something out there – and the safety glass on this ship is tougher than a sumo wrestler. Lister said, grabbing his baseball bat in one hand and Cat's arm in the other.

"Ok, ok I'm coming but your doing my laundry if I get gunk all over it." Cat warned as Lister dragged him from the bunk.

"UGH! What's that smell?" Cat asked as they keyed in the code and entered corridor 158.

"This laundry's been festering for 3 million years man what do you think tat smell is?" Lister replied, clutching the bat and leading the way down the corridor.

"Fair enough, but what's THAT?" Rimmer and Lister turned to where the feline was pointing and then stared in horror at each other – lumbering towards them was a large white blob tinted with mould and black bits that may even be pepper. Around what the crew presumed was its face was a large black sleeping mask, but it was also the creatures eyes as the crew soon discovered when the creature opened its eyes, revealing to large rotting cucumbers. The thing groaned, and sneezed, its body shook in a REALLY disgusting manner, pieces flying off from its skin as it did so, a shower of the stuff rained onto Lister and Cat who immediately voiced his disapproval and turned to run, closely followed by the others.

"WHAT did I tell you about gunk?" Cat demanded as they heard the beast squelching down the corridor after them.

"We're about to get sneezed to death and you're worried about dry cleaning?" Lister yelled as they turned the corridor.

"From what we know of this.. CAT, would you expect anything else?" Rimmer replied as they stopped and panted for breath, hiding behind two flimsy laundry baskets.

"Shut up guys, we've gotta think of a way of killing that thing – This bat's gonna be about as much use as a Starlight Express cast who can't skate.

"You've seen it, it's got more spots and dandruff on it than a trainee at Burger King." Rimmer protested as he looked around for a way out.

Lister picked a bit of the monster off him and sniffed, then ate it.

"UGH – You monkeys are disgusting!"

"Potato!"

"Huh?"

"It taste's like potato."

"Lister have you been drinking my window cleaner again?"

"Huh? No I … Holly you ran a scan on it?" "Lister asked wondering if he'd tasted right.

"Yes Dave, it is indeed potato, it was mutated by the radiation leak and has mutated into the blob you just saw over the last 3 million years."

"Great… hang on, didn't I have potatoes before I went into stasis?... Lets presume for a moment I put it in the wrong chute wouldn't the laundry have got cleaned by the time of the crash?"

"No Dave, the cleaners went on strike the day you went into stasis."

"Wha? Why?

"They were sick of people putting food down the laundry chutes."

"Oh nice… Hang on a minute – Quick we gotta get to the kitchens!"

"Lister this isn't the time to have a sandwich!"

"I know that you gimboid – I've got an idea!" Lister insisted as they started to leg it down the corridor, turning the corner as quick as they could – but not quick enough as a blast of mouldy potato whizzed through Rimmer and hit Cat in the back of the head. He fell forward, Lister catching him just in time.

"He's out cold – It must have had lumps in." Lister speculated as he wrapped Cat's arm round his shoulder and dragged him along.

"Just hurry up!" Rimmer ordered after a moment to compose himself after almost yelling mummy when he saw the potato pass through him. Hearing the beast squelching towards them they quickened the pace towards the nearest kitchen.

"Lister what are you doing?" Rimmer asked his voice becoming frantic as Lister laid Cat down against the wall and went up to a vending machine.

"Now isn't the time for a Crunchy you know!"

"Will you shut up?" Lister asked the irritation beginning to show. "Bucket of gravy please."

"Yessss? Can I help you?" The lisping vending machine rasped.

Lister groaned. "The skutters haven't fixed you yet?"

"ssssorry."

"Can you try and get me a bucket of gravy?" Lister begged, banging his head against the wall as the monster squelched into view and fired another load of potato that flew through Rimmer and hit the wall behind him.

"Mommy" He whimpered softly.

Lister groaned again and kicked the dispenser as a cup of tea appeared.

"Hang on, can you give me a cup of tea?" Lister asked as his voice raised an octave, ducking the Masked Potato Beast's potato weapon.

"I'll ccccertianly try." The dispenser replied as a bucket of gravy appeared in the hatch.

"Thank smeg!" Lister yelled, grabbing the bucket and throwing the gravy over the beast which seemed to moan and whine as it sunk in on itself till it was almost the size of normal mashed potato… Then it sneezed, splattering the walls and our hero's with potato and mould.

"Yuck!" Cat groaned as he stumbled to his feet a moment later. "If anyone wants me I'll be taking an emergency bath and groom.

"No change there then." Rimmer muttered as Lister dropped the bucket and the two made their way back to their quarters.

"Holly!" Lister shouted as he dragged off his cap and sat down.

"Errr 16:27pm Dave." Holly replied as he appeared on screen.

"No Holly, I was gonna ask you to get the skutters to fix the Lisping dispenser and clean up the potato thing." He put his hand round his back and picked off a black mask attached to two mouldy cucumbers, he groaned and dumped it in his sock basket and turned to look at the clock.

"Awww smeg!"

"What now?"  
"It's Thursday!"

The End


End file.
